You have to go on the dark web to buy a real merman online, so the best we can do for you is this sexy sea captain merman ornament.
If there was a version of The Village People in The Little Mermaid, this guy could have been a member. His sassy, hands-on-hips pose showcases a strong, masculine tail and his conveniently ripped shirt exposes the very fit upper body of a human male. (Swimmers are always in such good shape.)
The way he’s posed and the jaunty angle of that captain’s hat is enough to make even the most callous hearted Tumblr user swoon! (Merfolk are totally in right now, if you haven’t heard. Mermen, merwomen, merchildren, merdogs…)
Just in time for Christmas! You could also just hang it up somewhere around the house, though. It’s good for anytime of the year, really.