EXCLUSIVE: Blackout Friday Countdown 2016
At 12:01am on Nov. 1, multi-million dollar marketing campaigns roll out to remind all of you good little consumers that the biggest shopping day (or weekend… or week… or whatever they decide it’s gonna be this year) is only three weeks away!
And Christmas is only another month after that so everyone except the worst pieces of shit in our society should take this opportunity to buy buy buy the affection of your friends and family when the price is low!
It’s a lot of pressure, even if you do your best to ignore it. Blackout Friday is what happens when the anxiety of being pummeled by ad after ad for sale after sale eventually culminates in a legendary blackout drunk online shopping spree. Like, you wake up the next day and realize that you bought some outlandish shit that wasn’t even on sale just to say “fuck you” to the entire system.
A good Blackout Friday purchase can be many types of product. They’re almost always something you’d love to have but always find a way to talk yourself in to not making the purchase. Sometimes it’s just too expensive or too weird or too indulgent for Sober You to justify the expense…
Drunk You, as always, is a different story. So we went back through every single post in the history of drunkMall, tagging products suitable for Blackout Friday browsing. And we’ll keep adding the tag to new posts all through the month of November – so everyone who wants to play along, just add this link to your bookmark bar!
Here are 10 or 11 examples of the kind of things you can expect to see in this countdown…
#1 Smart Lock
Convenience is major key!
Only, in this case, there’s no key required at all!
The keyless entry smart lock replaces a standard deadbolt with a cloud connected lock that can be opened with the companion app on an authorized device. This can be used on the door to a “special” room inside the home or on the front door itself.
#2 Pizza Blanket
At the end of the day, you deserve comfort.
Comfort like a big cuddly blanket. Comfort like a hot and fresh pepperoni pizza. Comfort like a big cuddly blanket that looks like a hot and fresh pepperoni pizza? You bet!
Whether you’re sharing the sheets with someone else or dining solo, there’s plenty of this pizza blanket to go around!
#3 Adorable Instant Camera
Everyone’s walking around with cameras in their pockets these days, so what’s the point in buying a camera? The point is that walking around with a phone full of thousands of pictures means none of those pics are all that special. Probably everyone else who was hanging out with you has the exact same snaps from a slightly different angle on their own phones…
But they don’t have this!
Similar to Polaroid cameras from days of old, this Fujifilm camera develops a physical copy of your photo right on the spot!
#4 100 Emoji Sweatpants
Keeping it real has never felt so relaxing!
At home on the couch, out on a jog or even a quick trip to the grocery store – these are all situations where it would be really easy to slip below keeping it 100, into like 75 or even 50 territory. But you don’t even have to go out like that, fam.
Stay 100 with ease in these lit and chill sweats!
#5 Rhinestone Tongue Phone
Landline phones are so old-school at this point that anyone who has one might as well take it all the way back to the glam rock era!
Covered in pink and purple rhinestones, this phone resembles the logo of a very famous rock band. That pink tongue is the actual handset of the device which, when not in use, is stored in the housing unit built to look like an open mouth, complete with teeth!
#6 Faux Tiger Rug
You may think a rug made from an actual dead tiger would be more Blackout Friday than a fake tiger rug.
Yeah, that certainly has an air of privilege and wealth around it. But it also kills tigers and tigers are awesome, so we don’t like that idea all that much. This faux tiger rug gets you close enough to the look without any jungle predators having to die.
#7 LED Vacuum Tube Flash Drive
Reaching back to analog technology and bringing it to the digital world rarely results in gear this rad!
These guys take old vacuum tubes (like the ones you’d find in an old radio or guitar amp or whatever) and turn them in to USB drives with a look all their own. The colors of the LED inside and the storage capacity of the drives can be selected through the link below.
#8 Burrito Yoga Mat Bag
You know how sometimes you go to leave Panera bread and you can’t figure out which yoga mat bag in the pile by the door is the one that belongs to you because they all look the same?
Okay, that’s a joke but you gotta admit that everyone’s yoga gear always looks identical. It’s like a really flexible cult or something.
Stand out from the pack with this yoga bag that looks like a partially unwrapped burrito!
#9 Toilet Paper Holder Tablet Stand
It’s a dangerous game you’re playing, the game you play when you take electronics into the bathroom for entertainment while on the toilet.
How often do you walk around and do various things while holding your phone or tablet in your hand?
It’s totally fine to do, most of the time. One of those times is not when you’re hanging out near a toilet bowl.
You know what could happen so we don’t even need to say it.
Don’t let it happen!
#10 Gold Swan Pool Float
Screw the goose that laid the golden egg – you can have a golden swan!
And, yeah, it’s a pool float and we’re headed straight in to November at the time of this post…
But so what?
Maybe they’ll all be sold out by the time Spring comes around – buy it early!
#11 Penis Workout System
A good dick is hard to find, as they say.
Perhaps instead of waiting to stumble upon one, you should be working to turn a regular dick into a good dick!
So if you’ve got a dick or you’ve got an arrangement with someone who does, you need to know about this penis gym setup. There’s a wearable weight (figure it out) and it comes with a complete training program for you to follow along and get your junk in tip top condition.