This is the most bullshit time of the year for a lot of people because it’s when they return to college, where they’re going into debt to learn shit they could look up on the Internet for free so they can have a piece of paper that will look pretty framed on the wall at home while they pull shifts at Starbucks…
The best years of your life???
Well, hopefully not (cuz you got a lot more livin’ to do after that) but drunkMall is here with some pro tips and life hacks and sweet gear to help you concentrate on the important things, like “finding yourself,” “experimenting” and getting some good ass grades!
#1 Fuck This Shit Coffee Mug
You’re gonna go through a lot of caffeine.
Like, a lot.
And it’s not gonna be a casual.
If you managed to make it through high school without developing one, college is probably where the caffeine addiction will sink its bony skeleton fingers deep into your brain…
Late nights make early mornings even worse, so plan ahead and get yourself a trusty coffee mug.
#2 Ghostbusters Proton Pack Backpack
So you managed to get to college without losing your V Card and you’re desperate to hold on it?
We’ve got just the thing for you!
This brown backpack is printed with a high quality image of a proton pack from Ghostbusters and there’s even a little “satellite” bag connected to the main bag by a cable, like a neutrino wand!
#3 Composition Notebook iPad Case
It looks just like those black and white composition notebooks we all used in elementary and high school but it’s really a case for an iPad!
With a keyboard attachment, an iPad will be way more efficient for taking notes than writing by hand. Most people can type faster than they write and your notes will be searchable by keyword if you type them into a note-taking app – it’s a no-brainer!
#4 Blue Sky Umbrella
You’ll be doing a lot of walking in college.
Even if you can justify taking on a car payment (on top of whatever student loan situation you’ve got going on), a ton of college campuses have rules against vehicles. And chances are super good that you’ll have to walk somewhere while it’s raining outside.
Sitting in a classroom in wet clothes is super uncomfortable, even to the point of distraction. Keep your mind on the lesson with a damn good umbrella.
This one even has a pretty blue sky printed on the underside so you don’t have to let the miserably gray sky get you down!
#5 Caffeine & Taurine Vape Pen
We weren’t lying about the caffeine.
Sometimes you might even need more than you thought you were gonna need and stopping to get a coffee may not be an option on the way to that midterm!
These vape pens are packed full of caffeine + taurine to keep you going when you need it. Pack one at all times!
#6 Nunchuck Pens
Pens have a habit of running out of ink at the worst possible time.
Don’t sit there regretting all the times you wasted ink by doodling in class – have a backup pen, always!
Even better than that, have two pens connected by a chain like a little pair of nunchucks!
#7 Beer Mug USB Drives
If you think about it, college is nothing but moving data from one place to another.
Professors are helping move data from the textbook into your minds. Then you’re supposed to move data from your mind into your assignment, which data will need to be printed or somehow transported back to the professor…
It’s a lot of bouncing information around. USB flash drives are a huge help.
Whether you need to take a paper to the library and get it printed or you put together a hot playlist for a Saturday night party, these little beer mug flash drives come in various storage capacities to do what you need.
#8 Wireless NES Controller Kit
Partying every night in college is a really bad idea.
Listen, this is a drunk shopping website, so it’s probably not in our best interests to even say this, but college is where many of us will settle into the habits we’ll keep through most of adulthood. Partying is awesome but it can get out of control fast.
Spend some nights chilling back in the dorm room with your roomie and a few friends!
Play some video games!
And you know your room is small and you ain’t got no money so hook yourself up with some wireless remotes to keep from tripping through the wall and causing damage you’ll have to pay to fix!
#9 Emergency Condom
You’re away from home and finally living away from your parents (or guardians) for probably the first time in your life.
For many people, that means this is an opportunity to try and have a lot of sex.
We’re not saying you need to do that.
But we are saying that you need to be prepared. Even on a night when you never thought it could happen, things may work out to where you meet a person and there’s an instant spark…
With this emergency condom, you’ll always know where at least one good rubber is located!
#10 Hoodie Pillowcase
Living away from home amongst hundreds of people your own age can feel liberating.
It can also suck. It can suck a ton.
Because there’s really no telling what kind of roommate situation you’re going to end up with. There are some horror stories out there, kids. Even if you end up with a pretty decent human being sharing your tiny living quarters, there’s no way their schedule and lifestyle will be perfectly aligned with yours.
There will be times when they’re doing whatever – playing video games or studying or masturbating furiously to German porn – and all you want to do is get some sleep. The Hoodie Pillowcase can help block out sights and sounds of events transpiring in the rest of the room!
Pull the pillowcase hood down around your eyes tight and plug in earbuds to get some isolation and rest!