GIFT GUIDE: Mother’s Day for Bad Kids
Congratulations, you forgot Mother’s Day again.
It’s not like your mom needs anything from you, right?
She only lugged you around inside of her body for most of a year and then managed to keep you alive for another 18 years after that. Then there’s the hundreds… make that thousands of dirty diapers…
When was the last time you changed a diaper? Ditching your sharted underwear in a public bathroom doesn’t count.
Okay, that’s enough sarcasm.
Your mom deserves some gratitude! Yeah, holidays are largely stupid and made up by greeting card companies and marketing departments – but also, it’s one day a year for your mother. What are you, some kind of monster that you can’t let one day be about your mom?
Apparently you are because this is a gift guide for everyone who screwed up and didn’t get their mom a present on her special day. But we don’t have to waste any further time making you feel like more of an asshole than you already should, let’s get to work on fixing this situation.
Today we’ve got ten or so gifts that we think are good enough to get you written back into the will – ready?
#1 Tipsy Teacups
Kicking things off with something that everyone reading this should be able to afford – it’s a teacup for people who appreciate drinking good tea!
Good tea doesn’t come in little bags with string tied to them. Good tea comes in loose leaf form and you usually need a tea ball or some other kind of infuser to brew up a cup. But you don’t need any of that stuff with this clever cup!
Fill the smaller compartment with a scoop of tea, run the hot water through it into the cup and wait for it to steep. Once your tea is done, just tip the teacup over so the tea leaves aren’t in the water and enjoy!
#2 Breakfast Station
More kitchen upgrades!
Breakfast is still the most important meal of the day and too many people skip it. Maybe they think they don’t have time or maybe they just don’t want to do the cooking and cleaning. Either way, this breakfast station is the answer!
You’ve got a coffeemaker with a toaster oven plus a small griddle on top for frying eggs and other breakfast food!
#3 Automatic Jar Opener
Nobody’s calling your mother old (and you damn sure shouldn’t either) but opening jars can be a bitch no matter what age you are. Bypass the wrist brace, you don’t have anything to prove!
Not only does this gadget open jars for you but it’s a simple one-touch operation. Just set it on top of the jar that’s being stubborn, press that button and watch your problem get solved for you!
#4 Instant Smart Lighting Upgrade
Bring your mom into the future with an upgrade to smart lighting that couldn’t be simpler. If she can play Farmville on her phone then she can handle the app to control the light.
The unit fastens over any normal lightswitch (it’s magnetic) – and that is literally the entire installation process. One second install!
#5 Light String Corks
We’re not calling your mother a lush but if she’s anything like the moms of literally every person on the drunkMall staff, she’s got some empty bottles sitting a cardboard box waiting to go to the recycling center. Maybe they’re wine bottles…. Hey, maybe they’re sparkling water bottles!
The point is that moms seem to love glass bottles and empty glass bottles have a way of hanging around the house longer than typical garbage. Put those unused drinking vessels back to work with these clever corks designed to turn empty glass bottles into lighting fixtures!
#6 Triple Insulated Wine Chiller
White wine is such a mom drink.
You don’t have to like it, you don’t even have to drink it. But you do have to accept who she is and you can help her enjoy her little drinking hobby with friends by gifting up the winesulator.
It’s a special bottle that’s triple-insulated to keep wine chilled for a full 24 hours if it has to do that, so it can for sure make it across town to Phyllis’ house.
#7 Cheese Tray w/ Slicer & Cracker Well
Having a little cheese out is the type of thing you learn on day one of Entertaining Guests 101.
You’d have to be lactose intolerant to not appreciate this cheese board. With a slicer and a cracker well built in, you can throw a block or two of decent cheese on there and let everyone go to town.
#8 Hot Cheese Gun
Or maybe your family gets a little crazy with the cheese…
It’s understandable. Cheese is amazing. In fact, cheese is so amazing that someone finally got around to making a hot glue gun that uses cheese for ammo instead of glue.
Yeah, it’s like that.
You can load it up with any kind of cheese you want – go cheap or go fancy – and then you just wait a few minutes for the cheese to melt inside the gun before pulling the trigger to dispense hot melty cheese all over your bites!
#9 Pet Cave Bed
If the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach then the way to a pet mom’s heart is through being nice to her pet.
This pet cave is a pretty major upgrade to the standard pet bed. Both dogs and cats enjoy feeling snuggled by the “roof” of the pet cave and it looks cool, too!
#10 A Great Book on Oysters
This one’s a bit of a long shot but if you’ve got a mother who enjoys reading then this book is so seriously good. Like, you don’t need to be obsessed with oysters to enjoy this book because there’s so much fascinating stuff in here.
But if your mom does like oysters then she’ll almost definitely have a killer time taking the journey in these pages. In fact, she may even be inspired to go on a road trip or two to hit up some of the spots discussed therein!
#11 Snuggle Arm Pillow
At the end of the day, we’ve all got to be able to get some sleep at night.
Some people have an easier time of doing that when being snuggled but those people don’t always have someone around who likes doing the snuggling. Not that big of a deal because – you guessed it – there’s a product to help!
The snuggle arm pillow is meant to replicate the effects of falling asleep on a torso with an arm wrapped around behind you and it does a pretty fantastic job!