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EXCLUSIVE: Accidental Genitals

Accidental Genitals

It’s the #1 rule of marketing: Sex Sells!

Attractive people wearing suggestive clothing or making “do me” eyes at the camera have nothing to do with 90% of the products being sold to us every day. And, yet – there they are, everywhere you look!

If advertisers could get away with it, we’d all be driving past billboards that would make Larry Flynt blush. But society has restrictions to keep that from happening…

Unless it’s an accident.

Sometimes an object just so happens to be positioned in a very suggestive way. And, you know, nobody notices until it’s too late. Yup, that’s how it happens. Purely accidental.

#1 VeggieTales Book

Veggietales Book

Everyone who’s gone to Sunday school in the past 20 years knows about VeggieTales.

It’s a series of books and videos featuring happy and innocent vegetable characters who teach small children Christian life lessons and blah blah blah.

This entry to the series is a book titled I Thank God for This Day!

But that title is two letters longer than it needs to be…

#2 Pink Purse Wallet

Pink Purse Wallet

Every good clutch wallet comes with multiple compartments to organize the contents for easy access.

This one comes with a very special inner pocket. Just spread it open with your fingers and insert anything that fits!

#3 Michelangelo’s David Light Switch Plate

Michelangelo's David Light Switch Plate

Artists have always been a bunch of perverts. Drawing dicks and titties all over the place for thousands of years. It’s tradition.

One of the most famous dongs in history is the little peen on Michelangelo’s David sculpture. Some genius went and made a light switch cover with the naked dude on it and, wouldn’t ya know it, the light switch goes exactly where it needs to be for maximum comedic effect.

Honestly, it’s an upgrade for lil’ Davey boy, as far as scale goes…

#4 Peter Peppers

Peter Peppers

Many things in nature resemble human genitalia. It makes a lot of sense when you remember that we’re also part of nature and everything works the way it works to serve a purpose.

But as much as any oblong fruit or vegetable inherently resembles a schlong, these particular peppers look way too much like (uncircumcised) dicks. There’s even a little indentation for the pee hole!

#5 Melon Poster

Melon Poster

See?

Nature is a pervert.

Whoever designed this poster knew what they were doing, though. Who cuts a melon like that? Nobody cuts a melon like that unless they’re trying to make it look like a badonkadonk in downward dog.

#6 Bicycle Balls Tail Light

Bicycle Balls Tail Light

This is supposed to be a “heart-shaped” tail light for bicycle safety on night rides.

Come on, people. That’s nuts.

#7 Menorah Bread

Menorah Bread

We learned about this “Challah Menorah” last year, when Oprah came out with her list of Favorite Things and then NY Mag’s The Cut made fun of her by asking if she found them on drunkMall. (Please don’t pay to have us murdered, Oprah. We didn’t do it.)

But, yeah. Those bread sticks look like cock sticks.

#8 Red Computer Mouse

Red Computer Mouse

Hey, ladies, the next time you double-click your mouse it could be this one!

It’s almost like the designers went out of their way to bring a sensual element to this piece of gadgetry that’s rarely viewed as sexy in any way…

#9 Iced Almonette Cookies

Iced Almonette Cookies

The cookies themselves don’t look so much like the male anatomy but whoever designed that package sure couldn’t have placed two of the cookies in any other way to better suggest a dude standing sideways with his chode out.

Everyone knows what a chode is right?

When it’s about as wide as it is long?

#10 Naked Guy Lamp

Naked Guy Lamp

We almost didn’t include this lamp because there’s no way it’s meant to be anything else except a naked guy with a little penis light switch.

But really it’s also vague enough for you to be able to get away with having it at home or in the office and playing stupid when anyone makes a joke about it.

[Want more products with a sexual theme that may or may not make any sense at all? You’re looking for drunkMall’s Sex Sells gift guide!]

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