This is the main event, people!
2016 was the first full year that drunkMall was in operation. (Of course, that didn’t stop us from doing a Top Ten Drunk Buys of 2015, based on only a few months of info.) We now have well over 1500 individual posts to the site and just enough know-how to be dangerous!
So for all you data nerds out there, everyone who’s too busy/disinterested to read more than one of our posts a year and all you underpaid staff writers working at #content #farms piggybacking your #viral #listicles on our time and research without giving us credit, we’re about to pull back the curtain on this shit…
Presented for your browsing pleasure, in no particular order, these are the twenty most purchased and most popular items we sold to people drunk online shopping in 2016. If you’re writing a thesis or research paper on drunk shopping habits, feel free to email us.
drunkMall – accept no substitutes in 2017!
#1 Flying Fuck Drone
Surprising exactly no one at all, drunk online shopping is fun because alcohol lowers inhibitions!
It’s not a big secret. Have some beers, give less of a fuck. Like, way less of a stupid, flying fuck.
Except that it turns out Flying Fucks are not only a real thing but a very fun thing! Like a remote control helicopter with a big, block-lettered FUCK word in place of the helicopter part, the Flying Fuck drone was a major hit with drunk shoppers in 2016.
#2 Fake Jeans Pajama Pants
First featured in drunkMall’s Hangover Survival Guide (essential reading), you can see how these pajama pants would be nothing short of a lifesaver on certain days.
Pants that wear like “lazy piece of shit” pants but look like “normal citizen of modern society” pants?
Yeah, get those in your closet.
#3 Humping People Outlet Decals
Not even a little bit.
Looking at this, you’ve gotta wonder who was the first person who thought, “Ya know, the plug holes on that electrical outlet would look like two faces if you just…. Hang on a second…” And then whoever that person was started making a ton of money because apparently you people can’t get enough of these stickers that make your electric outlets look like a couple boning doggystyle!
#4 Cherry Starburst in Bulk
Most Starburst fans have a favorite flavor and there is no greater feeling of having been robbed than when you buy a pack and open that bitch up to find only one or even NONE of that flavor in the pack!
Nations have gone to war for less…
Not enough people are aware that you can hack the system! When we pulled back the curtain on how to get 2 POUND BAGS filled with only the pink Starburst, the Internet went insane. We’re posting the red ones this time because some of you didn’t realize that you can order any of the classic flavors in bulk this way!
Follow the link through the button and don’t look back…
#5 Real Bullet Shot Glass
Puns are big with the drunk crowd, which you already know if you were born with one of those faces that makes the drunkest guy in the bar want to try and make friends with you.
And our audience is primarily American, so guns as fuck, buddy.
Put two and two together and you get a literal shot glass! Like a shot shot glass… Like a shot glass that’s been shot? Just look at the picture! It’s a hand-blown shot glass with a real bullet in the side!
Pretty cool, right?
Everyone else thought so! The post for this shot glass sent a ridiculous amount of traffic to the website. If you’ve already got one, you might want to check back in on the maker/seller ‘cuz they added more products to their line in the past few months.
Oh, and everyone who came here from reddit to be the one guy who says the “smart” negative thing in the comments and gets everyone to agree with him? The shot glass is blown a bit bigger so that the displacement of the bullet still leaves room for at least the 1.5 ounces in a standard shot. So bite it, dork.
#6 Octopus Ring
Drunkies love animals and out of all the cute and cuddly animals in the world, including cats and dogs, no other creature that we’ve featured has regularly gotten a bigger response than octopuses! (It’s a word.)
This ornate end table wasn’t cheap, so most of the cephalopod fans bought up this adjustable and affordable tentacle ring.
#7 Nicolas Cage Pillowcase
Everyone who’s been drunk shopping with us from the start knows that this fantastic Nicolas Cage pillow case has appeared multiple times. It was one of the first things we ever posted and it would have been a top purchase in 2015 if we had known what we were doing the first time around.
But we knew it was a winner so we just brought it back and it totally worked out! Which is good because we honestly would have just kept trying over and over again until everyone came to their senses and realized they need to own it…
#8 Hall & Oates Shirt
This isn’t the actual Hall & Oates item that was a top seller in 2016 but the item that was is no longer available, presumably due to trademark infringement or some other legal shit like that. (It was a hat with “HALL & OATES” written in a very famous and litigious band’s signature font.)
But this Hall & Oates shirt is also really cool and it deserves some love. It’s got a nice graphic of the studliest duo in music history and references their classic song “Rich Girl” in a retro font.
#9 Bean Bag Futon
There’s that moment when the mood shifts from one thing to another thing.
When your furniture can also shift from one thing to another thing, that makes it all a little easier.
Y’all picking up on this?
#10 Sticker Megapack
It’s always gonna be a bit of a gamble that when those packages show up, Sober You won’t get real pissed at Drunk You. So, here’s a funny thing about people who drunk shop online: they apparently understand that completely and even enjoy it.
We say that because these megapacks of random stickers do NUMBERS!
There is ZERO guarantee that you will receive a single one of the sticker in the image because all the stickers are selected completely at random. Understand? But if you’ve got a room or an object or whatever that you want to completely cover in stickers, you can’t be too selective about it or it’ll take forever to find enough stickers for your project.
So if you need random stickers, here they are!
#11 Deluxe Bamboo Bath Caddy
There’s no better present to get yourself than the gift of a much-needed relaxing moment in the future. It’s inevitable that some dumb things will happen. You’ll get stressed out. You’ll need a personal chill sesh to get back to baseline.
Grab a drink and a book and head into the bathroom. You can even bring your phone or a tablet with you, if some Netflix or HBO Go sounds better than reading. Yeah, you’re taking a bath but with this adjustable bath caddy, you can keep all your necessities safely within arm’s reach.
#12 Cute Instant Film Camera
When everyone has a camera on their phone, why would anyone buy a regular camera that operates on technology that is decades old?
Well the camera being super cute helps!
Most people think “Polaroid” when you talk about instant film cameras but there are other kinds. This little Fujifilm model kicks out smaller exposures, about the size of an old slide, and they’re really just an adorable way to capture special moments. You can give the exposures to friends but make sure to take a picture of them with your phone first for Instagram and Tumblr meta-likes!
#13 Neon DARE Shirt
Irony seems to be here to stay.
Anyone old enough to remember the D.A.R.E. program who was also curious enough to read about it as an adult knows that it was a colossal failure. At least, if keeping kids from doing drugs was their goal then they did a really bad job. (Don’t ask a conspiracy theorist about the true purpose of the program. Just don’t.)
Anyway, people who like drugs (you know, like alcohol and weed) seem to really like wearing shirts with a rainbow colored logo of an anti-drug program!
#14 Amazon Gift Cards
Not every drunk purchase is a selfish one. Many of the things on this list were probably purchased as gifts. But there’s one bestseller that is undeniably purchased as a gift and it honestly warms our stupid hearts at how many of you purchased Amazon gift cards after visiting this site…
You’re all beautiful!
#15 CUNT & DICK Mugs
There were so many frickin’ mugs on drunkMall in 2016 but this pair did bigger numbers than any other design.
Maybe it’s because teeeechnically you could probably come up with some other totally normal-seeming meaning for the three letters on the mug to get HR off your back and still be able to walk around the office with a mug that straight up says DICK or CUNT for everyone to read!
#16 Unicorn Wine Holder
Remember when we said drunkMall shoppers love octopuses (still a real word) more than any other word?
Yeah, that’s true but only for real animals. If you throw mythical creatures into the mix then unicorns win by at least four horn lengths. We’ll probably eventually have to give them their own tag because Tumblr users are pretty passionate that throwing them in the horses category is not the right thing to do…
Anyway, your moms and secret ponyplay coworkers bought this unicorn wine holder, so maybe you should buy it, too!
#17 Relaxed Bayside Tigers Sweatshirt
Comfy clothes are always a must have and if you can throw nostalgia in the mix?
#18 Video Game Cartridge Flask
This is another one where the real big ticket item no longer seems to be available. It was a flask that looked exactly like a handheld video gaming system made by the same company who created the system in the background of the photo above. (Hint: it rhymes with Game Boy.)
But this one’s close and people who liked that other one will probably like this one! Any fan of classic gaming systems has blown into a game cartridge that looks like this. Now that you’re an adult, take a nip out of one!
#19 SUV Air Mattress
Sleeping in tents is stupid, okay?
And we’re apparently not the only ones who think so because once SUV drivers find out they can turn the back of their vehicle into a perfectly acceptable sleeping area, they seem to take that opportunity!
Pick one of these up before festival season rolls back around. Trust us, they sell out…
#20 Skull Beer Bong
Wrapping it up with a suitably deathly theme, it’s a beer bong that looks like the skull and spinal column of a human being!
Pretty much the best way to party for anyone who dreams of vanquishing their foes Game of Thrones style and binge drinking from their modified skeleton!