EXCLUSIVE: Butt Stuff
Butts are so in right now!
Butts have always been in, though, because of science and how people need to want to do sex to each other to further the species and all of that and so on, etc.
So butts are in and if you aren’t into butts then you’re behind the times, people!
As usual, drunkMall is out here on the front lines of America, fingers on the pulse of the butts of society. We’ve been posting things to the butts department of the site for over a year. No matter what stage of ass appreciation you’re at in life right now, it’s safe to say that scrolling down this page will result in you learning at least one thing you didn’t know when you woke up this morning.
From creating a butt to learning what to do with that butt once you’ve got it and everything in between, ladies and gentlemen, this… is… BUTT STUFF!
#1 Eat It Like a Peach Patch
First things first, there are approximately three kajillion ways to refer to “da butt.”
It’s entirely possible that people in your social circle are talking about asses all the time and you aren’t even aware of it! Familiarize yourself with slang terms for butts by visiting such popular-with-the-youth sites as Urban Dictionary or Myspace. You’ve even got at least one secret booty image lurking in your emoji keyboard – the peach!
Most of you are thinking, “Everyone knows the peach emoji means butt.”
Some of you are thinking, “This explains so much.”
These cute patches are not made by the Georgia State Peach Committee.
The peach is the booty! Eat the peach!
#2 Butt Buoys
In addition to attracting potential mating partners, the butt also serves protective purposes. Falling on your ass would be a lot worse if you didn’t have an ass to fall on, for example.
These butts protect in a different kind of way. Buoys at the lake are important for reasons that everyone who would use buoys at the lake already knows. These buoys look like thonged rear ends sticking out of the water!
#3 Butt Cake Mold
To dine upon the gluteus as one would dine upon one’s regular market purchases is an act that came into the public spotlight in recent years. (It’s been happening the whole time, though. Believe that.)
Eating the booty like groceries has never been more delicious than the booty you will make with this silicone mold. Safe to use from temperatures between -40 and 230 F, you can bake, freeze or gelatinize your favorite desserts in this mold.
#4 Surreal Butt Pounding Fiction
Even the most devout worshipper of the ass has to recognize the comedy of the situation. Butts are funny! Butt stuff is funny and ridiculous!
There isn’t a single person on the face of this planet that gets it more than Chuck Tingle. That’s a fake name and nobody knows the real identity of Chuck Tingle, so you could think of him as, like, a superhero of butt-fucking fiction.
Having published such titles as Space Raptor Butt Invasion, Pounded by the Gay Unicorn Football Squad, Pounded by President Bigfoot and Pounded in the Butt by My Own Butt, Tingle is deeply, deeply familiar with the territory. You can dive into his bibliography wherever you like and get the idea but we’re posting Leonardo Decaprico Finally Wins His Award and It Pounds Him in the Butt because it’s just our favorite concept of maybe any book ever written.
#5 Ass Enhancing Underwear
Alright, so you’re on the train to tush town but not quite there yet and you need a little help faking it until you’re making it.
These are the underwear for you.
Using strategically applied compression fabric, these shorts take all your extra everything in the proximity of those sweet cheeks and SMASHES them through two openings where your badonkadonk would be if you had a real one!
#6 Fake Booty Meat
Another option is this pair of prosthetic ass cheeks.
Made of lifelike silicon, you slide these dudes down the back of your pants for the appearance of extra thick booty meat!
These fake ass options only really work if you’re wearing pants, obviously…
#7 Booty Pills
You should never, ever, never take medical advice from drunkMall and we aren’t stupid enough to try to give you some anyway.
All we’re saying is that these are pills some people take to try and make their butt bigger.
Do they work?
That’s not a thing we’re saying.
#8 Brazil Butt Workout Plan
Those hoping to acquire a real beautiful and beautifully real booty for themselves will most likely have to put in a lot of work on it.
The Brazil Butt Workout Kit is a full system packaged to help you firm, shape and lift your butt meat by combining cardio, dance and sculpting moves. You get 3 DVDs with 7 workouts, as well as a goal calendar, diet guide, tape measure, strength band and more!
#9 Thong Butt Bleacher Seat
Complete with tramp stamp, the Sweet Cheeks Tooshie Cushion is a comfortable foam bleacher seat for use at sporting events and such.
From behind, the seat makes it look like you’re sitting there in nothing but a thong!
#10 Squat Results Shirt
When you become obsessed with your physical fitness routines, it can be difficult for other people in your life to understand your new priorities.
Remind them why you work as hard as you do with this shirt that points directly to the evidence that your time is well spent!
Arrows point down at the butt of the person wearing the shirt, so the person wearing the shirt needs a butt worth pointing at. That doesn’t mean you need to wait for your butt to arrive before purchasing the shirt, thought. Get it now and you can use it as motivation – work it until you deserve to wear the shirt!
#11 Moaning Buttplay Pen Holder
Here’s something weird…
Some ladies like ass play a whole lot and this device is apparently supposed to represent one of those women. When a pen or pencil is inserted in the rear of this figure, she lifts her head and moans with pleasure.
Pretty much guaranteed to get you in trouble at any normal office job in America!
All the terrible reviews this thing has on Amazon are from people who think this thing shouldn’t even exist, so if you’re the opposite of that and want to actually own one then you should probably buy it immediately because these may be the last ones to ever be made…
#12 How to Worship Black Asses
Some of you are reading this, still confused about the world around you, wondering why and how anyone could possibly be this interested in butts.
Here we have an educational tail [sic] for you. An odyssey of one puny little white guy‘s journey into a whole new universe of beautiful black booty worship.
#13 Fart Blocking Pads
Some weirdos are in to probably any gross thing you can imagine, of course. But for the most part, you’ll have a hard time getting someone interested in going anywhere near your ass if you spend the whole day ripping terrible farts in front of them.
Figuring out what makes you fart so much would be a good idea, in the long run. But for a quick fix, Subtle Butt pads can be inserted into your undergarments to block the odor of farts from getting anywhere near the nose of another person!
There are also Shreddies underwear, which are more discreet.
[Want more products with a sexual theme that may or may not make any sense at all? You’re looking for drunkMall’s Sex Sells gift guide!]