Brush off your Surfer Slang Thesaurus because it’s Turtle Time, baby!
drunkMall’s legal team has advised us to point out that Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is well within the realm of interest for adults of legal drinking age and therefore drunk shopping age. The Heroes in a Half Shell were created in 1984. That’s nearly 35 years ago. This post and every other post on drunkMall is meant for an adult audience, so go fuck yourself.
From board games to lip gloss, we tracked down 11 kickass Ninja Turtle items for you to look at today. Remember, if you need more Turtle Power in your life then you can always hit up the TMNT department of the site after you’re done reading this post!
#1 TMNT Monopoly
How do you not already own this?
You clicked on this post, so you clearly have more than a passing interest in the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. drunkMall is a fun website, so you clearly don’t hate fun.
So explain why you don’t own the special edition TMNT Monopoly board game!
It’s the basic setup of normal-ass Monopoly with some major cosmetic differences. Look, the regular Monopoly pieces are so boring that they’re even adding a dragon to it this year, so wouldn’t you way rather play as your favorite Ninja Turtle? Or even Splinter or Casey Jones?
Instead of condos and hotels, you get to place pizzas on your properties to extract more money from fools who land on your business!
#2 Krang T-Shirt
First of all, this needs to be a maternity shirt.
If anyone reading this has the means to make that happen, please get in touch with us when you’re ready to go to market and we’ll help you out with a post on the site.
Now, remember Krang?!?!
Of course you do. The interdimensional evil warlord stripped of his body and left to exist as a brain (with a face and arms – don’t worry about it), usually found controlling some sort of body from a command center in the stomach.
Wearing this shirt makes it look like Krang is controlling you!
#3 TMNT Pint Glass Set
Like we said, TMNT is just as much for adults and that’s why we have such awesome products as Ninja Turtle pint glasses available!
The set comes with four glasses (this number will continue to be a theme, obviously) and each one is dedicated to an individual turtle. In addition to their unique battle pose, every glass has funny quotes or descriptions suitable to the character on that glass.
#4 Leonardo Skater Dress
People these days tend to make a big deal out of how it’s okay for boys to like girl toys or girls to like boy toys or whatever.
But, like, duh?
We all already knew that because fucking everybody loved Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. In fact, you would have been weird if you didn’t like TMNT, no matter what gender you were!
So, yeah. There are TMNT dresses. It’s a no brainer. They’re cute, too.
#5 Donatello Stretch Plush Doll
Again, this may look like a child’s toy. The box may even explicitly state that it’s for people aged three to eight. Read these words right now: That. Is. Horse. Shit.
You can’t place an upper age limit on something – that’s just ageist!
Okay, so, Stretchkins are kinda like Stretch Armstrong dolls except they’re plush instead of that weird, hard rubber. The arms and legs stretch out to four feet, so you could possibly use these for a light resistance band workout or something like that.
#6 Ninja Turtles Seatbelt Belt
Who knew there was so much dope fashion coming out of the TMNT franchise?
These seatbelt belts are where it’s at.
The one-touch release on the buckle is like it was made specifically with the beer drinker’s bladder in mind. The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles graphic is like it was made specifically with your sex life in mind because holy aphrodisiacs, April!
The TMNT logo is front and center in the button of the buckle as well as in the fabric on the back of the belt, with the four heroes’ faces all around the rest of the belt.
#7 Giant Raphael PEZ Dispenser
Stacking nostalgia with nostalgia always works out, so feed a stack of PEZ candies into this Raphael head PEZ dispenser and get ready to taste your childhood all over again!
BONUS: now that you’re an adult nobody can make you share! You still should but, you know, do it because it’s the right thing to do, not because someone said you had to do it.
#8 Donatello Sunglasses
Available in each turtle’s chosen color, these sunglasses are modeled after cloth bandanas worn over each turtle’s eyes.
Real talk, if you’ve got a giant head then these might not work out for you. But if you can grab a pair of normal shades off a gas station spinning rack then you should be fine to rock these bad boys.
#9 TMNT Flavored Lip Balms
There’s nothing heroic about having chapped lips.
And why would you ever want to deal with that when the remedy is so badass?!
These TMNT-themed lip balms have delicious flavors like Chocolate Shake, Green Apple, Sour Cherry, and PIZZA!
#10 Michelangelo Candy Bowl Holder
One thing about those Ninja Turtles – they don’t seem to care much about eating anything except pizza and candy.
You’ve almost got to admire the dedication there. Anyway, if you’ve got a sweet tooth of your own then you can get this little Michelangelo statue for your home or office. It comes with a large bowl. You can fill that thing with candy (as shown) or some healthier alternative – your choice!
#11 Shredder Hoodie
Last but not least, something for the baddies!
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles villains were always the best and none of them were badder than Shredder himself.
This hoodie is designed as a comfortable cloth tribute to Shredder’s signature metal suit, with fabric “spikes” on the shoulders and arms. Zip the front all the way up over the lower half of your face to replicate his ninja mask!