EXCLUSIVE: New Beers Resolutions
This one’s for everybody who made a realistic resolution for 2017.
Take all that “new mind, new body, new you” hooey and stuff it, okay, folks? Everybody knows the stats on how busy gyms are in February compared to January and the forecast for human willpower is looking pretty grim.
In fact, writing the intro to this post is a huge waste of time because it’s going live at like 9pm on New Year’s Eve. Nobody will read this because we’ll all be too busy pouring poison down our throats and looking for a frog to kiss at midnight while we hope and pray that 2017 will magically give Prince back to us.
So let’s cut the shit…
Whenever you finally get around to reading it, this is a post of some brilliant, innovative products that beer drinkers need to know about. drunkMall has been stocking up our beer department like crazy so if your New Year’s Resolution was to drink more beer and have a better time, this one’s for you, bud!
#1 Sabertooth Shotgun Multi-Tool
Yeah, you can shotgun a beer with just about anything but hang on a minute…
The Sabertooth by Rugged Mammoth was designed to be the ultimate beer drinker’s tool. Throw it on your keychain (as long as you aren’t driving) and you’ve got a tool that can create the perfect hole for shotgunning a beer can (with less mess/waste), open beer bottles, pop a vent on the top of a can for smoother drinking and pull stubborn tab openers.
#2 Butterfly Knife-Style Bottle Opener
But sometimes all you want in a bottle opener is a conversation piece, especially if you’re working a beer tub at a live event or something. (It can help with tips.)
This bottle opener functions exactly like a butterfly knife, with two swinging handles and a centerpiece that serves as the actual opener, once flipped out from the handles. It comes in a bunch of different styles but we like the pink one that says SUPER BITCH on it.
#3 Can Thermos
Once you’ve got a drinkable beer in hand, the only thing left to do is get it drunk while the drinkin’s good. For most civilized people, that’s gonna mean the temperature staying as low as possible for as long as necessary.
For those of you who like to draw out the experience of every beer (a.k.a. nurse the shit out of it), you’ll probably want a little help keeping those beer temps low. Pouring beer into a Thermos is one option. But also that would be pretty damn weird. And also unnecessary when Thermos has actually designed a Thermos koozie for cans with all the features you see pictured above!
#4 Beer Blizzard Koozie Insert
So you respect the Can Thermos but you’ve pretty heavily invested your time and energy into building the most epic collection of badass beer koozies in the world?
The folks over at Beer Blizzard make these little disc-shaped “ice cubes” that are made out of plastic and specifically designed to fit into the bottom of beer (and soda) cans and be held in place by your koozies (or the one they send you with your purchase)!
#5 Ice Core Beer Pitcher
Keeping one beer cold at a time – there’s tons of things that can do that.
But how about a portable solution for icing down several beers at once?
Please allow us to introduce you to the ice core pitcher. The centerpiece you see in the photo fills with ice from the bottom (preventing any melted ice from watering down the beverage) and holds the temperature of the contents at a much lower temperature for much longer than a regular pitcher.
#6 Coaster Cactus
Not a real cactus.
Everyone on the same page?
Let’s break it down.
With all this talk of keeping beverages cold, we need to talk about condensation. Condensation is some science stuff that causes cold drinks to make people with wooden furniture yell at you. Coasters help prevent this. Coasters are also really easy to lose, for some reason. (They’re like the solitary sock of furniture or something.)
This is a cool and clever way to make it fun for everyone to put coasters back where they belong because when the coasters are put together they look like a cactus!
#7 Binge Watching Beer Mug
Beer is arguably a perfect invention but some of the stuff that comes with it certainly has flaws.
Take beer mugs.
Beer mugs are nice. When you’ve got a hefty mug full of great brew, that’s just a good feeling. But mugs generally hold a lot of beer and you want to drink it fast before it gets warm. This used to be a problem for people having a beer while watching a gripping movie or show or game on TV because sipping from a big mug blocked your view.
Not a problem anymore though because someone finally figure out how to level off the far side of the mug so big gulps can be taken without blocking the view!
#8 Reversible Pint-Shot Glass
Having a shot and a beer?
Good on ya!
No reason to dirty up two glasses, though. Not when you can own one drinking vessel that pulls double duty…
Simply flip back and forth between the 16 ounce and 2 ounce capacity cups as needed!
#9 Fanny Pack Flask
Everything said above about how important it is to keep a beer cold or drink it in an easy way that makes way more sense than the way most people do it – throw all of that out of the window.
This is basically a fanny pack (meant to be worn on the inside of your clothing, if necessary for discretion) that holds 32 ounces of your beverage of choice. Keep in mind that your tummy temperature is somewhere around 98.6 degrees, which is a bit warmer than most people like to enjoy their suds, so this is really only practical in situations where it would save you $30 on overpriced beer.
It is pretty funny, yeah, but hang on a second before buying it if that’s your thing…
#10 Strap-On Beer Dick
Because if you get a kick out of the fanny pack flask making it look like you can piss beer then you’re gonna lose your mind over this squeeze bottle that looks like a huge strap-on dildo!
The Brew Ballz holds up to 24 ounces of beer but everybody knows you aren’t buying it because of how much beer it does or doesn’t hold or any other reason than that it looks like a huge dick that sprays beer out the end when you squeeze it.