The Saint Patrick’s Day Pub Crawl is a time-honored tradition, where legends are born and the unworthy fall to the wayside. No one should go it alone. A strong team is always recommended.
But even then, even with the most iron-willed (and steel-livered) of companions, luck can change with the wind and scatter your plans like snakes being driven out of Ireland by St. Patrick himself.
Train hard. Prepare yourselves. The time for winning glory is all but nigh. Here is a list of items to help you lassies and lads on your course to the end of the rainbow, to that pot of bragging rights gold…
#1 Long-Range Walkie Talkies
Keeping your group together during a major bar hop isn’t as important as you might think. Put together a game plan and a schedule but don’t be a bunch of weirdos and only hang out with each other. Get in the experience and meet strangers and have fun. If one of the crew wants to head to the next bar early, let ’em go.
Communication, however, is a must. When huge crowds of people are all in the same place, cell service goes kaput. These three-channel walkie talkies can reach each other over 2 miles away! Make sure everyone in the crew has one and you’re good to go.
#2 Santa Claus Suit
This is for the Wild Card on the team. It’s St. Patrick’s Day so everyone’s wearing green. But, wait. What’s that? Who’s the crazy guy dressed up as Santa Claus?
Nobody knows. He could be anyone. He’s capable of anything. Consider your mind blown.
#3 Irish Tricolour Wristband Wallets
Pockets are the enemy of the drunk person. They can not be trusted for one simple reason – gravity. The standard pocket relies on the Theory of Gravity to function correctly. Here’s the thing: theories of physics may or may not apply at any given moment to a sufficiently inebriated person.
These wristbands are identical to standard sweatbands, except each one has a zippered pocket. Zippered pockets are everything when you’re in a crowd of hammered hooligans. You also get a headband sized sweatband with each order, if you’re one of those sweaty drunks.
#4 Sunglasses with Built-In Camcorder
Do your March 17 the right way and there will be several moments when you think to yourself, “I want to remember this for the rest of my life.” Alcohol is the mortal enemy of memory, friend. It doesn’t play by the rules, either. Fight it with technology.
These Coleman sunglasses are a totally legit pair of polarized shades. They also happen to have a 1080p High Definition Video Camera located right over the nose. A full charge will give approximately an hour of battery life, so just reach up and hit the record button anytime you want to add a clip to your special highlight reel.
#5 Irish Tracksuit Tuxedo
One good idea for group bar crawls is to have everyone you’re with wear matching outfits (except the Wild Card, of course). You’ll obviously be able to spot each other more easily in crowded areas but it also lets everyone else know you’re having more fun than them!
These tracksuits are comfortable and fun, printed with a tuxedo design and “TRAXEDO” logos. Each suit has zippered pockets (See? They know.) and comes with a bonus green bowtie!
#6 Catch Me If You Can Boxer Briefs
If you’re partying somewhere that’s too hot to be wearing Santa suits and tracksuit tuxedos, feel free to walk out the door in nothing but these shamrock boxer-briefs. (Ladies, you may have to also wear a bra or some green paint or something. We don’t make the rules, unfortunately. Look up the law.)
#7 Rub for Luck Belt Buckle
We’ll assume that (despite our efforts to convince you to go weird) most people will keep it relatively normal and hit the scene in a pair of jeans.
At least wear a fun belt buckle!
There’s always hope of getting lucky and dangling a four-leaf clover above your fun zone can’t hurt the chances, especially when it says, “RUB FOR LUCK!”
#8 Hand-Knit Redhead Beard
Ok but give us one last chance to talk you into wearing something weird and fun!
These “ginger beards” are knitted by hand and virtually guaranteed to make passers-by want to snag a pic with you for their Instagram followers! The “beard” fastens by looping over your ears and there’s a nice big mouth hole for enjoying adult beverages all day and night.
#9 Keychain Breathalyzer
Under no circumstances should you leave your house on St. Patrick’s Day with intent to drink alcohol while having the key to an automobile on your person. But you’re probably gonna need at least one key to get back into your house at the end of the night.
Want to track your progress during the festivities, to keep yourself in the “optimal” zone or just for fun? Throw this breathalyzer on your keychain!
#10 Trophy Shot Glass
You made it!
When you reach your final stop of the night, you will truly deserve the last thing you need: more booze! This trophy shaped shot glass is made from real glass, so it would probably be a good idea to try to end the night at a bar where you know the staff and have them keep these behind the bar for you at the finish line.
We suggest shots of Jameson. Sláinte!