Trigger Warning: Patriotism Levels are at an all-time high in this post!
On July 4th, America will celebrate the 240th anniversary of The Declaration of Independence a.k.a. the birth of the greatest nation in existence, The United States of America.
Are we perfect?
But greatness doesn’t come easy. It’s found through struggle. Like, have you ever seen a Rocky movie? Those are stories of struggle and what it takes to achieve greatness. Hell, he doesn’t even win the fight at the end of the first one – still great!
drunkMall loves America (just check that link for proof) – for many, many reasons. Most of all, it’s the drinking, the Capitalism and the good Internet. You can’t really have a website for drunk online shopping without those three things.
Our country’s flag is also easily the best flag. Have you ever noticed how many other flags are just two or three stripes of color? That’s lame. Shoutout to Japan, right now. You’ve got a great flag. But sorry, we’re gonna have to give this one to Old Glory. She’s a beaut.
This week’s gift guide is all about that grand old flag, that high-flyin’ flag. Many of us will be at outdoor gatherings with our fellow Americans on Independence Day.
Here are some of our favorite items featuring our favorite stars and stripes.
#1 Tootsie Rolls: USA Edition
Tootsie Rolls were created by an Austrian immigrant in The United States. This is a candy that represents The American Dream and is a perfect treat to share with friends and family on the nation’s birthday.
These Tootsie Rolls come in a special edition wrapper of the American flag. Each order comes with nearly 50 pieces.
Alternate Option Because Capitalism: Red, White & Blue Gummy Bears
#2 The Gettysburg Afterparty Tee
Historical figures tend to take on a larger-than-life status. Rightly so, considering these are legends discussed by name in our classrooms. But they were still humans.
Take Abraham Lincoln. He gave an awesome speech in a town named Gettysburg. We still read about it and talk about, hundreds of years later. But it’s not like everyone there to hear that speech just went home and chilled by candlelight afterward. A lot of ’em probably went down to a tavern and had some mugs of beer!
Uphold the tradition.
Alternate Option Because Capitalism: Hate Us Cuz They Ain’t U.S. Shirt
#3 Lightweight Liberty Shorts
“Hot like the 4th of July!”
It’s a saying for a reason. July 4th is in the middle of Summer. Thanks to global warming (not awesome), 2016 is the hottest year on record. You’re gonna want to dress accordingly.
These super sweet shorts are made of a lightweight cotton/polyester blend. The length is a plus, too. Short shorts aren’t your thing, dudes. Stop trying to make it happen.
Alternate Option Because Capitalism: Womens’ American Flag Shorts
#4 Inflatable Cooler of Choice
As you’ve noticed by now, capitalism is enabling us to provide multiple options for each entry on this week’s gift guide. The freedom to choose, it’s the American way.
Celebrate your right to choice by offering guests an iced down selection of food and beverage in this inflatable buffet cooler! It’s big, able to hold over 50 standard sized cans of beer (or soda) at once.
Alternate Option Because Capitalism: Inflatable Uncle Sam’s Hat Cooler
#5 Old Glory Fanny Pack with Cup Holder
Fanny packs are starting to make a comeback. (Thanks in no small part to Joe Rogan.) That’s cool. Fanny packs are cool. This fanny pack is beyond cool, not only because of the epic pattern but because it has its own cupholder!
Like, just having a cupholder on a belt or something would be great but getting a cupholder and a fanny pack in one accessory? That’s mega-win!
Alternate Option Because Capitalism: ‘Merica Fanny Pack
#6 Patriotic Sunglasses
Alternate Option Because Capitalism: Stars & Stripes Visor Cap
#7 Teddy Brosevelt Tank Top
If you want to find out how badass some of the American presidents we’ve had were, a good place to start is by going to a search engine and look up Teddy Roosevelt True Story. There isn’t a book titled that or anything. It’s just that the dude did so many amazing things that any time someone writes about one or some of them they feel the need to point out that it is, in fact, a true story.
In other words, if you were bros with Teddy, you were BROS with Teddy.
Alternate Option Because Capitalism: Womens’ American Peace Tank Top
#8 Freedom Flyer Toy Gliders
The children are our future, of course.
But the children are our present, as well, and if you don’t give them something to play with right effing now then they’ll drive you insane. We’ve got just the thing!
These “Star Spangled Gliders” come 12 to an order. Some assembly required but nothing too complicated. In fact, many of you built and played with gliders exactly like this when you were kids!
Alternate Option Because Capitalism: US Flag Cornhole Bags
Not everyone will spend the holiday at, uh, “backyard casual” gatherings.
If you’ve got a special event lined up for July 4th (but it isn’t, like, black tie), consider swaddling yourself from shoulders to toes in thes threads of freedom.
When ordering, you’ll probably want to order a size larger than normal.
Alternate Option Because Capitalism: Another American Flag Dress
#10 Large American Flag
It would almost be disrespectful of us to make this whole post and not include the inspiration for everything here, the actual flag of The United States.
This is the real deal. It’s 8 feet by 12 feet and made from commercial grade nylon. All you need is a flagpole worthy of holding her. And guess what? You can buy those through the link below, too!
Alternate Option Because Capitalism: 50 Mini Flags with Spear Tips