EXCLUSIVE: Unicorn Attack
Now wait just a few minutes before typing in the URL of that website you always visit when you feel this way. You know the site. You’d be back there again in a few more hours for another hit…
Maybe you’re looking in the wrong place to satisfy these horny urges!
Perhaps the solution to your horny problem is… HORNS!
Or maybe even just one horn. A uni-horn, if you will…
Did we say unihorn? We meant unicorn! (Unihorn? Hah! That’s not even a thing! Right, Pete Holmes?)
Throughout recorded history, unicorns have been regarded with great respect for their various rumored powers. The word “unicorn” is even in the bible, like, nine times or something like that. In 2017, they’re more popular than ever! (Make sure you have adult content filtered out before running a search on Tumblr. Or don’t. Whatever works for you…)
Scroll on for 10 new additions to our horses & unicorns department of the site!
#1 Unicorn Key Cover
Unlock the door to your inner unicorn with this adorable key holder.
Perfect for the key to the padlock on the secret unicorn realm in the spare bedroom of your house or even your front door, if you live alone and your entire home is a secret unicorn realm.
The key cover attaches to most normal key sizes. This specific unicorn is apparently from something called Team Fortress 2 and there will probably be some wonderful comments under this article from people telling us what that is because we definitely do not know.
#2 Chunky Unicorn Lamp
Choosing the unicorn as your spirit animal lights your life from the inside out and choosing this lamp lights up your life with a rainbow spectrum of color in the form of a unicorn!
Place the L.E.D. unit where you want it and it can be controlled via IR remote control. Control the brightness of 16 different colors or cycle through them with 4 different transition effects!
Oh, and it’s big. Like, well over a foot and a half tall, weighing about six pounds.
#3 Epic Unicorn Hood
Respecting and admiring unicorns is fine.
Most humans won’t be able to stop there, though. The temptation to channel the essence of these majestic creatures is too strong!
Whether you’re simply looking for a low-effort, high-result (potentially “sexy”) costume for a party or in the market for some full-on #ponyplay accessories, this hood is the goods!
The standalone hood has a golden horn attached to it and is covered with rainbow faux fur!
#4 Unicorn Tears Booze
Unicorns party so hard that even when they get sad enough to cry that liquid is still suitable to serve at an (adult) human party!
Clocking in at an ugly cry-inducing 40% ABV, Unicorn Tears is a liqueur with a heavy flavor debt owed to London Dry Gin and the added character of edible silver flakes floating around in that mystical bottle.
#5 Floating Unicorn Drink Holder
Speaking of beverages and fantasy, let’s talk about how to glam up a day by the pool.
No surprises here – add a unicorn!
This handy little invention is a lot like inner tubes you’ve been using to float your whole life except it’s way too small for you to use. That’s because it’s just the right size to hold your (pool-safe) drinking vessel for you – and of course it’s designed like a magical unicorn with rainbow mane and tail!
#6 Massive Inflatable Unicorn
And if you want a bigger inflatable unicorn, well, this is literally the biggest one that we could find.
It’s pretty damn big, too!
How does seven feet tall sound?!
What does it do?
See, now, you didn’t say you wanted it to do anything…
It’s just, like, big. That’s all. But you can put it in a room or a different room and sometimes people might see it and be like, “Wow, that’s a big unicorn, huh?”
And you’ll be able to say, “Yes. It is.”
#7 Fantastic Unicorn Art
The dividing line between reality and imagination gets real fuzzy as soon as you bring up the Internet.
On the Internet, anything and everything can be true!
Even if you don’t agree with that, hit us back up in ten years and let us know how your definition of “truth” is surviving in whatever hybrid-Matrix world we’re living in a decade from now.
You can prepare for the limitless worlds to come by surrounding yourself with prophetic art such as this. Featuring a renegade cat holding a massive gold handgun while riding a fire-breathing unicorn in front of a rainbow, what more could you ask from a piece of art?
Grab prints through the I WANT IT button!
#8 Dismembered Unicorn Doll
Either some of you have taken your unicorn obsession to a very dark place or someone had to come up with a way to make some money using leftover parts from a unicorn doll assembly line…
The packaging of this product makes it look like some horrible canned meat product from an alternate universe where unicorns are farmed and slaughtered for mass consumption. But when you open the can you’ll find that it’s full of dismembered unicorn doll parts!
#9 Unicorn Scarf
If fairy godmothers were real then maybe everyone would have their own hand-knit unicorn scarf. Unfortunately, fairy godmothers aren’t real but you can take matters into your own hands about that scarf!
Not like literally your own hands. You don’t need to learn to knit. Just hit up the link to have someone else knit you one of these scarves!
Many color combos are available, so be sure to go check out your options.
#10 Unibrowed Unicorn on Unicycle Shirt
Unicorns are rare.
Unicorns that can ride a unicycle, even more rare.
A unicycle riding unicorn that has a unibrow?
That’s just pure insanity. We’re done. This post is over. Go do something else.