EXCLUSIVE: Love Stinks!
In the perpetual transition from one holiday to the next, we’ve now reached the point in the year at which is will soon be Valentine’s Day. You’re already aware of this because there’s no earthly possible way that you wouldn’t be aware of it by now. Store displays, TV commercials, social media ads – it’s everywhere you look with the reminders to not be jerk and remember to get something special for that someone special and it’s all very very special.
That’s not what drunkMall is here to do right now, madams and sirs.
We wouldn’t do you like that.
Last year, this website celebrated Singles Awareness Day. We’re doing the same thing again this year with this post (and the S.A.D. tag used over the entire site, which you should check after reading this) but we’re also taking it a huge step further with some serious advice: never be in a relationship!*
If you’re single, stay that way.
If you’re in a relationship, end it.
Let it all hang out.
Live on your own and smash dirty dishes in the trash instead of cleaning up after yourself.
Stop pretending you aren’t a wild animal and start living like the creature you really are!
Here’s how to do it:
(*Also, don’t ever make important life decisions based on what we say. If anyone legit needs gift ideas for the holiday then check out our For Her and For Him tags on the site.)
This is a flowboard.
It’s like a skateboard with a hundred extra wheels on it. Okay it has 14 wheels. That’s seven wheels each on an arced truck, which allows for forty-five degree turns on land, mimicking more closely the surfboard experience as skateboards were invented to do.
What does this have to do with being single, you’re asking.
You think anyone who cares about you would let you try to ride this thing?
#2 Massage Robot
Companionship is supposedly important.
Loneliness is supposedly a drag.
But how much of so-called companionship is nothing more than another person doing things for you that you can’t do for yourself? How much of loneliness is sitting around wishing someone would you give you a freakin’ back massage?
Here’s the back massage thing solved. This is a little robot that rides around on your back, delivering a pleasurable massage without talking to you about how great the new 50 Shades of Grey movie is gonna be.
#3 Totoro Bed
Cuddles are always on demand when your bed is a giant Totoro!
Just like the story, you can crawl right on top of this massive but cute creature every night at bedtime.
Totoro’s tail even detaches to create a pillow!
Being alone doesn’t have to be lonely. And if you really just can’t bear the thought of not having another living creature around at all times, consider a pet. Dogs usually love you no matter what. Cats… less so… but they sometimes seem to not hate you.
#4 Man Dog Bowl
If you’re a dude, this bowl will help serve as a daily reminder that you’ve chosen to live as an animal.
If you’re choosing to live without a human dude but you’ve got a non-human dude around the house, you can feed them from this bowl.
If neither of these things applies to you, well, whatever.
Simple. Effective. Smart.
#5 Rear Windshield Decal for Single People
You know how you’ll be sitting in traffic behind some minivan, bouncing with the hyperactivity of three dozen hell children terrorizing their parents up front? And these poor bastards have Stockholm syndrome to such a degree that they put those stick figure family stickers on the rear windshield?
This is like that except for single people to show off how much money they have because they aren’t wasting it on feeding something that will grow up and turn into a teenager and ruin everything around them.
#6 Crazy Cat Lady Board Game
Don’t waste a single second of your life worrying about ending up as a crazy old cat lady.
News flash: everyone ends up that way!
Finding some person you can stand to live with until one of you dies isn’t going to change anything. That ends one of three ways. One, you both end up dying when a cruise ship gets attacked by a giant squid or something. Two, you die first and the other person is left alone. Three, they die and you end up a crazy cat lady anyway.
So, again, the only rational thing to do is embrace reality and make a game out of it.
This is a board game for current and future crazy cat ladies!
#7 How to Be a Cat Lady Even If You Are a Man
Please don’t think we’re being sexist with the “crazy cat lady” thing, by the way.
Guys can be cat ladies, too. Anyone can be a cat lady.
Here’s a guide on how to do that very thing. After all, this whole experiment is about getting in touch with your inner nature, so it very well may help to have a semi-domesticated example of wildlife hanging around for inspiration.
#8 Brainwave-Controlled Cat Ears
This one is halfway in “be the animal you really are” lane and halfway in the “you know you wouldn’t even try to swing this shit if you had to explain it to a significant other” lane.
What you’re looking at is a pair of cat ears on a headband. If you look closely at the picture, you’ll see a little black bar that extends out over the forehead of the person wearing the getup. That’s a sensor that literally reads your brainwaves and moves the cat ears according to your state of mind.
#9 Stress Sausage
Ask anyone in a relationship if they’ve ever taken out some stress on their partner.
Or you can skip that convo and ask us because the answer is yes, they have.
Not having anyone to dump on or vent to can lead to a buildup of stress and anxiety. But there are healthy ways to relieve that stuff. You can do yoga and meditate. Or you can get one of these sausage shaped stress devices.
Grab that weenie-shaped thingy and wrench it to your heart’s content!
#10 Hanging Door Alarm
Some people get scared to be alone.
That’s fine. But that doesn’t mean you need to deal with all the bullshit of another person just on the off-chance they might be able to protect you from an intruder. (They probably can’t, anyway.)
This is an alarm that hangs on the inside of a door and sounds off LOUD AS HELL if anyone opens that door. Not only will this thing make damn sure you’re aware of anyone coming in who shouldn’t be, it’s so loud that it may completely scare the breaker and enterer away!