The last thing anyone wants to do is attend another fake ass party. Dance floor empty, every dude hanging out with other dudes while the girls take group selfies for Snapchat and shit. Don’t go out like that. Ever.
Now, we just watched Can’t Hardly Wait again for the first time since it came out, so we’re feeling qual-i-fied to lay down some tips on owning the night. We’re totally hip to the scene.
All right, let’s do this:
#1 Acquire Some Divine Moves
It’s a dance party, so, obviously, it would be good if you’re able to dance. Feel free to take a different approach but Jesus has all the classic white dude moves down. There’s nothing wrong with dancing like a white guy. White guys do it all the time and there doesn’t seem to be a shortage of white people in the world so they’re for sure getting laid.
Fortunately, Jesus’ sick pop ‘n locks can be poached by anyone with the coin to buy this illustrated book!
#2 Get Your Body Ready
The whole point of hitting the scene is to be seen. You don’t have to be a bodybuilder or have washboard abs or anything. Just make sure you’re camera ready, that’s all. There may or may not be a hired photographer at the party. Either way, there will be selfies. Oh, yes. There will be selfies.
Hit some light cardio with Selfie Stick Aerobics. It takes less than five minutes to get that camera arm warmed up and ready for a night of snappin’ and ‘grammin’ to let every know how much real fun you’re really really having out in the real world with other real people. Really!
We previously featured SSA and put together a list of essential gear in that post.
#3 Wash That Ass
Hygiene is super important. You can nail every other step on this list but if you roll up to the spot smelling like a hot yoga class, you’re probably going home alone. Wash up.
But you also can’t afford to take a break from getting hyped, so it’s important to have shower jams. We like this showerhead with a built-in wireless speaker, so the night’s playlist can be pumped right in there.
#4 Dress Like a Damn Disco Ball
Peacock it. All night. Forget about being self-conscious, that’s a vibe-killer. There will always be those people who go to a party, only talk to people they know and make fun of everyone else, especially if they’re out on the dancefloor getting silly. Know what? The people out on the dance floor getting silly are having a blast and they don’t waste a second thinking about the haters. Who would you rather be?
Again, find your own style but this shirt is an example of exactly what we’re talking about. It’s covered in very reflective sequins, so anytime you’re in the lights of the dance floor you’re gonna be lit up like a Christmas tree! Throw down your best moves with confidence and you’re sure to be seen.
#5 Use the Moth-to-Flame Law of Attraction
Again, how are people going to notice you from all the way across a crowded party scene unless you stand out? There will likely be glow sticks all over the place, so that type of thing won’t cut it. Fortunately, ravers have been working on this problem for a while now…
You can go hardcore with something like this cyborg ninja mask or keep it a little less intense with LED shades like the ones pictured here. You can still totally see out of them and the lights can be set to flash slow or fast or react to the beat of the music!
#6 Get on the Floor
The dance floor is where it all goes down. Ground zero. The main event.
Get out there. Remember your training and you’ll do fine. Be confident, not cocky. Outgoing, not aggressive. Happy, not intense. Find the vibe of the night and roll with the flow.
One way to know if you’re in a club that’s serious about throwing real dance parties is to check out the actual dance floor. Is it just an empty space in the middle of the room? Or does it look like something out of TRON? The more expensive that dancefloor looks, the safer it is to assume that you’ve found a legit place for an epic night. The dance floor panels shown here are not cheap but they do set the scene for wild evenings.
#7 Avoid “Normie” Behavior
The less time spent on normal activities, the better. First impressions are important and it’s hard to look cool while standing in line with fifty other people at the bar, trying to get noticed by the bartender just like everyone else. Lamesville.
We prefer traveling with our own party favor supply on hand. Or, in this case, on wrist. drunkMall has posted several types of secret flask before but this one is disguised like a bangle bracelet. It holds about 2.5 ounces of liquid – feel free to wear more than one!
#8 Talk Smart (optional)
It totally depends on who you end up meeting but you should be prepared to say some smart stuff. Wait for your dance partner to send the conversation in that direction. If they do, don’t act like a know-it-all and try to keep your statements as vague as possible.
Art is totally subjective, so you can spout off some BS, like, “Did you see that chimpanzee painting in the hallway? Yeah, I really connected with that. Like, just because we all have animal urges doesn’t mean we can’t appreciate things that have deep meaning, you know?”
It’s also a good idea to have some sort of art hanging at home, in case you end up having a visitor at the end of the night. Again, we’ve posted some really good (and really bad) art on drunkMall before and you can totally buy that chimp painting if you want.
#9 Stay on Schedule
Staying until closing time is a desperate move and we don’t recommend it. If you’ve met a person but you aren’t at least to the point of going to a different club or quieter bar by, like, 1am? Probably not gonna happen tonight, friend.
Keep track of the time. Stay on a timeframe. Probably don’t wear a watch though and probably don’t look at your phone every few minutes, that’s weird. This can be a tough one. A lot of clubs don’t put up clocks because they don’t want you to know how late it’s getting. Probably the best solution is the choose your own “last call” and set an alarm on your phone, then put it into Do Not Disturb mode so other notifications don’t trip you up all night.
If the party is at your place or a friend’s place, we 100% recommend this Wu-Tang Clan clock. There might even be a way to turn it into a Flavor Flav necklace but we haven’t tried that.
#10 Do It All Night (Unless If It’s a Work Night, Though)
Cocaine is a Hell of a drug and we can’t recommend that you do it. (At least, we’re pretty sure we aren’t supposed to recommend it.) This energy drink, on the other hand, is also called Cocaine and we’re totally allowed to recommend it.
But check it out, this isn’t Red Bull. This drink contains 3x the amount of caffeine as Red Bull and a host of other stuff to keep you going long and strong into the night. (Again, hopefully back at your place and not grinding it out at the club until the lights cut on at closing time.) It’s got a spicy cinnamon and cherry flavor to it, which some people say makes their throat feel weird, just like real… uh… never mind…
Do not mix this with alcohol. Do not drink more than one of these in a 24 hour period. Seriously, we warned you.