It’s a rare bird that doesn’t love a bit of Scotland, whether you know it or not. With St. Patrick’s Day coming up, the entire drinking world will soon be singing the praises of children of Ireland (if not claiming to be one for a bit of extra attention).
So, while Tartan Day is a real holiday, taking place on April 6th, and you could think of it as an appreciation of all things Scottish – we’re impatient and ready to talk about Scotland now!
#1 Book of Scottish Humor
The first thing you gotta appreciate about Scots is their singular sense of wit.
Scottish people are just different. They’d be the first ones to tell you that and they’d probably follow up that information with a riotously funny joke.
Of course, it’s impossible to capture the humor of an entire nation in one small book but Scottish Wit contains quotes and quips from such famous Scot funny folk as Chic Murray, Billy Connolly and Robert Louis Stevenson.
#2 Copper Hair Dye
It’s currently up for some debate but until quite recently the percentage of redheads in Scotland was thought to be higher than any other country in the world. Depending on who you ask, some say that Wales or Ireland has more actual red haired people. But nobody disputes that Scotland’s capital city of Edinburgh has the highest percentage of carriers for the gene with 40% of the population able to spawn a ginger!
So if impersonating a Scottish person is on your to do list, you may want to stock up on the red hair dye…
#3 Scottish Terriers Calendar
You’d probably be surprised to learn some of the unusual animals you can spot running around up in Scotland. (Puffins, anyone?)
We don’t always go for the weirdness, though. Sometimes you just want to snuggle down with cute doggies! The Scottish Terrier (aka Scotty) is about as cute as a puppy can get. Does anyone else think they look like distinguished bearded gentlemen?
Very good boys, in any case. Here’s a calendar full of adorable pictures of Scotties!
#4 Gordon Ramsay Autographed Picture
Speaking of adorable bundles of Scottish delight, did you know that Gordon Ramsay was born in Scotland?
That’s right – everybody’s favorite foulmouthed chef may have been raised in Stratford-upon-Avon and speak with a distinctly British accent rather than a Brogue but Scots can still lay claim to him as one of their own.
#5 Kilt Beach Towel
There are few cultures with such an identifiable garment as the kilt.
What could you see a person walking around in that would immediately let you know that person was an American? Crocs?
Don’t worry about whether or not you’re supposed to wear anything under it because this isn’t an actual kilt – it’s a big, cushy beach towel that looks like a kilt!
#6 Celtic Knife
The remnants of Celtic civilization may be another thing you associate with the Irish. Yet again, Scots hold their own claim to that ancestry and you know they’ve got just as much of the fight in them!
This sleek little blade features a handle with a patterned design based on the decorative knots we see in Celtic artifacts.
#7 Deep Fried Mars Bars
If you were to pick one thing to tease Scotland about, the nutrition of an average Scottish diet seems to be pretty fair game.
Now, they aren’t actually chowing down on deep fried candy bars at every meal over there but the deep fried Mars bar was created in chip shops as “novelty” item, so they’ve just got to own it at this point.
drunkMall is an American operation, so you know we’ll 100% eat a deep fried candy bar. Bring it on, baby!
Mars bars aren’t super popular over here. They’re basically just nougat and chocolate with some caramel in there. Grab a bag at the link below and then you’re on your own for getting them deep fried.
#8 Canned Haggis
Never heard of haggis before?
You’ll probably just want to scroll past this one, honestly…
The recipe for haggis sounds more like a spell from a book of witchcraft than ingredients for something you’d want to eat. You basically make a pudding out of a sheep heart, sheep liver and sheep lungs, mix that with a bunch of other ingredients and then (traditionally) serve it inside the actual stomach of that sheep.
Here you can get some approximation of the dish served in a can.
#9 Lagavulin Distiller’s Edition
Say what you will about Scottish cuisine but those bastards have their beverage game on point.
Their beer is amazing but Scotch whisky can change your entire life. The depth of Scotch is such that entire books could be written on the subject (and have been) but the singular experience of drinking a fine Scottish whisky can perhaps best be had with a dram of Lagavulin. Widely regarded as the best of Islay style whisky, this Distiller’s Edition is a force to be reckoned with.
#10 Tartan Flask
What we call plaid in America is called a tartan pattern in Scotland.
It’s what you see on kilts and blankets and many other textiles. You can use it to lend a bit of Scottish flair to pretty much anything you want, however. Like, perhaps, a handy flask with its own little serving cup built in to the lid!
#11 Samhain Shirt
Fans of Halloween may not be aware of the holiday’s Gaelic roots in the pagan festival of Samhain.
Still celebrated, Scots have a fondness for the ghoulish rituals and creepy monsters of old.
Glenn Danzig’s metal band doesn’t have much to do with this except for their name but that’s a wicked shirt so feel free to pick one up!
#12 A Real Bagpipe
We’ve posted bagpipes before and even gone as far as to call them the ultimate drunk Internet purchase, which we stand by.
Think about it.
You’re trashed and feeling overly confident in your ability to pick up a badass new skill. Bagpipes seem doable. Even people who seem to know what they’re doing sound fucking horrendous on the instrument, so it can’t be that hard, right?
You make the purchase and then you (and your neighbors) live with the consequences.
That’s drunk shopping, people!