It’s Saturday night and everybody’s got the fever!
No… No, that’s dangerous at this level of wine intake…
Cat Scratch Fever?!
Mmmm… Let’s not go with the thing that calls to mind serious infection and allegedly racist rockstars…
How about, let’s just call it Caturday Night Fever?!
Life ain’t nothin’ but cats and money. Any given Saturday, you can catch us at home with a couple bottles of merlot, clicking through page after page of weird items for sale online. For every 9 items we add to a wishlist for us, 1 item gets added for the cat. It’s like tithing except for a god that you know doesn’t respect you. (And if you need a little extra inspiration then hit up drunkMall’s feline overloads department after you’re done with this post!)
Here are ten of the greatest things we’ve found for cat lovers to buy online! Heads up, it gets a little weird towards the end.
Listen, it’s fine. It’s not evil. You think your cat wouldn’t pimp you out for extra rations of catnip if that was an option? Guess again.
Here’s a manual with everything you need to know to make your cat an Internet celeb and reap all the sweet rewards.
#2 Cat Exercise Wheel
Cats have no medium setting. It’s either “pass out for 9 hours” mode or “HEY I JUST FOUND OUT GRAVITY DOESN’T APPLY TO ME” mode. Nothing in between.
But if you don’t have enough space for Mr. Whiskers to get in a few laps now and then he might start packing on some extra pounds. No bueno. Hook him up with this cat-sized version of a hamster wheel to keep him lean and mean!
#3 Little Lion Manes
You’re melting, right?
Yes, if you’re wondering, it’s entirely possible that this is the cutest thing you’ve ever seen. You can get these little lion mane accessories in various colors to match your kitty’s fur and let them tap in to their inner lion.
#4 Feline Lords of Outer Space shirt
The Ancient Egyptians considered cats sacred. We’ve watched Ancient Aliens enough to know that the Egyptians were partying with the Annunaki on the reg, so rockin’ shirts like this is how we let other woke peeps know we’re in the club.
Bacon, pizza, UFOs, kittens and lightning. It’s all connected, bro. You know what’s up. You know.
#5 Sushi Cat Keychains
Here’s an accessory for all future crazy cat ladies. Sushi Cats don’t really make any sense but that’s how Japanese pop culture rolls.
“People like cats? Do they like sushi, too? All right, here’s what we’re gonna do. Put cats in sushi and then top that with totally random things like ping pong paddles and purses. What?! Yes, I’m sure! Do it! Now!”
Take your feline friends on their very own arcade game adventure with a human-operated Whack-A-Mouse setup!
It’s the perfect way to get an otherwise disinterested cat to play a game with you!
#7 Cat Candle with Aluminum Skeleton
These candles burn with the ferocity of a hundred tiger spirits and leave behind a morbid (but also cute) little skeleton as the wax melts away.
#8 Treat Launcher
Step 1 is finding a treat your kitty will actually eat. Step 2 is figuring out how they like it to be fed to them.
It’s super annoying to try and give a fur baby a treat just to have them turn their little nose up at the presentation. So try this: make sure they like the taste and smell, then load the treats into this device and launch it into the air to add a little action to the mix!
#9 Kitten Panties
People who visit your home will find out super fast how you feel about your pussy cat but what about when you end up over at a new friend’s place?
These panties let everyone know you care about your kitten, so they should care about it, too!
#10 Hello Kitty Glass Butt Plug
When it’s time to get down and dirty, it’s a lot more fun if you find a way to make it feel innocent.
What’s more innocent than Hello Kitty? Acting real nasty has never felt so darn cute!