I Could Pee on This: Cat Poetry
If cats had thumbs, they would all be poets. Think about it. All that a cat does is lay around all day, get high on catnip and demand to be fed without performing any labor as repayment. Sound familiar? That's…
Thrash Metal Black Cat shirt
Cats are metal. This is known. You may remember this from such classic moments in cat t-shirt memory as the time drunkMall posted the My Cat Listens to Metal muscle tee. There is no known animal that is as metal…
Homemade Twinkies Machine
Remember when they stopped making Twinkies?! It was horrible. For almost a full year, there were no new Twinkies made in America! That's just not right. Wikipedia literally defines Twinkies as an "American snack cake." If the U.S. Government can bail out…
Good At Making Bad Decisions shirt
This should be the official slogan of drunkMall. And everyone in their twenties. And everyone who works at Twitter right now... This shirt came to our attention through this amazing article from our friends over at The Huffington Post: Man…
Straight James/Gay James: Poems by James Franco
Does anyone else feel like James Franco and Shia LaBeouf are competing for who can be the weirdest, most meta-aware A-list celebrity actor? If they are, Shia is totally winning. That live-stream of him watching his own movie in an…
Flask-in-a-Bible
Have you ever heard the phrase, "[person] always had a Bible in one hand and a bottle in the other"? Yeah, well, what about people who only have one hand? (Yeah, maybe you should try thinking before you say something…
144 Beer Pong Balls
Name one thing that wouldn't be better if it had balls. That's right, you can't! Huh, what's that? Didn't quite hear you there? No, YOU'RE a post on a website that it would be pointless to try talking to with…
Unicorn Wine Bottle Holder
Unicorns are magical. Wine is magical. Coincidence? Hardly. Everyone knows that unicorns love to drink wine. They can't get enough of it, in fact. It takes the edge off when people are always trying to hunt them down to harvest…
Everything Is Bullshit book
Happy Singles Awareness Day, everybody! Everything Is Bullshit wraps up our S.A.D. Countdown for 2015 because a lot of the "traditions" of being in a relationship are 100% ridiculous, downright cruel, even. Did you see Blood Diamond? Watch Blood Diamond…
Christy Canyon’s Autobiography
Lights! Camera! Sex! Is that what they really say on porn sets? Maybe that's how it used to go down (and in and out) in The '80s, when Christy Canyon was fresh on the porn scene in L.A. Before smartphones,…
Brass Balls keychain
The (veiny) attention to detail here is admirable. This keychain is obviously our Singles Awareness Day countdown item of the day. Why? Because guys in relationships don't get to bring their balls with them when they leave the house. "Freedom" is…
Heels Bigger Than Your Dick mug
If wearing high heel shoes came with an instruction manual, there would be a chapter called Unwanted Male Attention. (And since that's an accidental acronym, it would be illustrated with photographs of Uma Thurman being a bad bitch.) The thing about…