EXCLUSIVE: Greetings, Fellow Youths

Getting old is a bitch…

So don’t do it!

They say age is just a number but, really, it’s more like a culture. Every ten years or so, there’s a shift in what’s hot and what’s not. As long as you can walk the walk and talk the talk, who’s to say you don’t fit in?

All you gotta do is keep up…

#1 Emoji Stickers

In 20 years, emoji will probably become the official language of the United States. Those of you who don’t know what emoji are need to find the closest millennial and ask them to add the emoji keyboard to your smartphone. (We’ll assume everyone reading this has a smartphone?)

You should already be using emoji whenever possible in texts, on Tinder, Twitter and Snapchat. But now you can let everyone IRL know you’re “with it” by slapping emoji stickers on your belongings!

#2 Wake & Bake Coffee Mug Pipe

Smoking weed in 2016 is nearly as socially acceptable as drinking alcohol. It’s fine if you don’t but you’ll almost have to do more explaining about your choice to abstain than if you did partake.

Crazy times, right?

Well, hold on to your ass because the Wake & Bake Coffee Mug just upped the ante by about a trillion. “Wake & bake” means getting stoned as soon as you wake up and it’s now easier than ever to catch two kinds of buzz at once with this mug. Pour your coffee, pack the bowl and let ‘er rip!

(The smoke doesn’t come in contact with the contents of the mug.)

#3 Neon DARE Tank Top

Another thing that’s super popular with the kids these days is irony.

You know, like getting high as hell first thing in the morning and then going about your day while wearing anti-drug propaganda on your clothing? Yeah, that.

#4 USB Mixtapes

Remember making mixtapes? That used be the move when you were trying to get with a new bae, right, fam?!

Yeah, but nobody has tape players in 2016. Hell, most of us don’t even have CD players anymore. It’s all gone to USB but you can still put those expert mixtape skills to good use with this gift pack. Throw together your most fire playlist and package it up just like an old school cassette!

#5 Realistic Temporary Tattoos

Tattoos used to be such a non-conformist thing in America. Not anymore, baby!

But what if it flip-flops again? What if not having a tattoo becomes the trendy thing in five years? Hey, it’s possible. Fortunately, you don’t actually have to take the plunge because temporary tattoos have gotten so good recently.

Check out this pack of four basic, popular tattoo styles. It’s one of many, many variety packs available through the link below.

#6 Champagne Bong

As you grow older, the parties you’re invited to may become “classier” or more dignified. That doesn’t mean you have to behave in a dignified manner at those parties, though.

The fact they’re serving champagne in no way obligates you to sip it demurely and smugly mock the plight of the working class. Screw that, Chambong that bubbly!

The Chambong is a champagne flute with a bent straw attachment that enables you to simply tilt the flute upright and down that fizzy booze water in seconds.

#7 Retro Coors T-Shirt

If there’s one thing #millennials love to do, it’s #engage with #branded #content!

And if it looks #vintage then you may as well just set up a Kickstarter to crowdfund a mass production operation because they’ll buy ’em up like hotcakes!

For instance, this Coors t-shirt, which takes its design from the oldest cans of Coors beer.

#8 Selfie Stick

One mistake the aging trend-chaser makes is shying away from posting selfies as the years add up. This is a rookie move. It’s called Facebook, not Weird-Cartoon-As-Profile-Picture Book.

Be confident. Stay in the timeline. And you don’t need to be locked into a relationship or bothering strangers to take good pictures of you. This is a selfie stick. Know the selfie stick. Use the selfie stick. Love the selfie stick.

#9 Blinged Out Baseball Caps

Ugh…

Okay, it’s awful but sometimes you’ve gotta bite the bullet and look like an idiot if you want fit in. People have been doing it since dancing was invented.

#10 Blue Pubic Hair Dye

You know how your hair starts to turn gray as you get older?

News flash, that doesn’t only happen to the hair on the top of your head. And, well, if you’re going to go through the trouble of dying the gray away down there, why not get crazy and dye it blue?

Here’s a hair dye made especially for downstairs dye jobs. At this point, it could be the next big trend. Who knows?

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