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EXCLUSIVE: Baconfest 2017

Baconfest 2017

This post is not safe for vegetarians!

You probably already figured that out, though, based on the big closeup photo of crispy pork strips. Today it’s all about the culmination of all exploration into the meat arts: bacon!

Homer Simpson isn’t the smartest man in the world but all carnivores can relate to his disbelief of there being one magical creature responsible for so many delicious meat products. Bacon alone is more than we ever deserved…

drunkMall’s bacon department is well stocked but you can never have too much bacon in your life.

It’s more than food. It’s a way of life and this is a post full of things for those of us living with a love for that salt-cured meat we call bacon!

#1 Dancing Bacon Alarm Clock

Dancing Bacon Alarm Clock

Many people enjoy bacon near the beginning of their day with breakfast.

But only people with this alarm clock can be said to truly “start their day” with bacon! Set the alarm and you’ll be called back to consciousness every morning with this musical alarm featuring a dancing strip of bacon!

#2 Spreadable Bacon

Spreadable Bacon

Culinary innovation is a wonderful thing.

Bacon is a perfect food. Nobody’s denying that. We’re always open to experiencing new forms of perfection and that’s what these “bacon spreads” bring to the table. For times when it just doesn’t make sense or you don’t have time to properly cook up some bacon (slow and low in the oven, ftw) and clean up the mess, there is now bacon spread!

For use on toast or crackers or even something healthy like celery, you can use these bacon spreads anywhere you’d use peanut butter or jelly, in exactly the same way. We’ve found three flavors here and there are surely more out there – let us know what you think!

#3 Microwave Bacon Cooker

Microwave Bacon Cooker

Now we already mentioned that cooking bacon slowly in the oven is our preferred method but we understand that’s a luxury method that isn’t always practical for everyone.

Fellow purists are probably thinking that cooking bacon in the microwave is unacceptable, nothing short of blasphemy. Well, you know, maybe give it a try first because you could be surprised with the results, especially when using one of these containers specifically made for this purpose.

You can cook your pork strips to be tender or crispy and the drippings will all be caught in the cup below for convenient use in other cooking (or disposal, if you’re a sinner).

#4 Bacon-Flavored Toothpicks

Bacon-Flavored Toothpicks

Toothpicks really are a great thing.

There’s just no other clean way to get stuck food out of your teeth on the go. One thing that’s a bummer about toothpicks though is that they’re usually mint flavored. Not “good” mint flavor, either. More like “this reminds me of a urinal puck” mint flavor.

You don’t want to follow up a great meal of, say, barbecue by putting some industrial mint flavor in your mouth. Use bacon flavor toothpicks instead!

#5 Bacon Lollipops

Bacon Lollipops

Did someone ask about dessert?

Tell the waitress not to bother bringing the dessert menu – you’ll always be prepared if you stock up on bacon lollipops!

Real pieces of bacon are used to create the three different flavors currently available: Maple, Honey & BBQ!

#6 Bacon-Scented Mustache

Bacon-Scented Mustache

Ron Swanson is a hero of a man.

His philosophy on life, politics and food are all admirable traits. Most of us fail to approach anything close to his level of badassitude.

We have no idea what Ron’s mustache would smell like if you got close enough to it. But we can imagine. It probably smells like meat, if you think about it.

This glorious mustache is for everyone out there who needs just a bit more manliness on their face. It’s bacon-scented, too, so even if you’re just spending the day around the house by yourself then you can wear one of these for aromatherapy purposes.

#7 Bacon Infinity Sticker

Bacon Infinity Sticker

Bacon is forever.

Show your endless love for salt-cured pork with a large vinyl sticker. It’s a strip of bacon that’s been twisted into the infinity symbol (which would also be a Mobius strip, right?) for everyone to see.

The sticker is made of vinyl and measures 8 inches by 4 inches, so it’s sure to get the point across…

#8 Bacon Hot Sauce

Bacon Hot Sauce

Don’t worry, this post isn’t just a list of bacon flavored things. Anyone can add bacon flavor to something and try to sell it. But bacon flavored hot sauce just makes sense!

What’s the worst thing about a bad hot sauce?


There are so many hot sauces out there that just taste bad or have no flavor at all because they focus too much on blowing it out with the heat instead of crafting something with a flavor people will enjoy. That won’t be a problem with a hot sauce filled out with the great taste of bacon!

#9 Tactical Bacon in a Can

Tactical Bacon in a Can

“It’s better to have bacon in a can than to have never had bacon at all,” or something like that.

We’ve never seen a study on it or anything but the stereotype has always been that people who love bacon the most also like rugged things like camping and guns and hunting and all of that. Since we’re talking about tactical bacon in a can right now, it seems true!

You don’t have to sacrifice enjoyment of the finer things in life while out in the field. Just make sure you remembered to pack those cans of bacon!

#10 Thousand Piece Bacon Puzzle

Thousand Piece Bacon Puzzle

Cooking bacon that low and slow way we like takes a while.

That gives you plenty of time to enjoy other activities while the house fills up with the tempting aroma of perfectly cooked pork!

We recommend a good jigsaw puzzle.

When was the last time you put together a jigsaw puzzle? It’s a lot of fun and quite challenging if you choose one without much contrast in the imagery of the assembled photo. This 1000 piece bacon puzzle will have you occupied for quite some time!

#11 Bacon Popcorn

Bacon Popcorn

Eating bacon makes your fingers greasy. Eating popcorn makes your fingers greasy. Since your fingers are going to be greasy either way, you might as well double down and enjoy both at the same time, right!

Bacon Pop is a great snack for movie nights. The microwavable bags are just as convenient as any other popcorn but with the extra deliciousness of bacon!

#12 Bacon Flavor Dental Floss

Bacon Flavor Dental Floss

It’s time to end the day.

You’ve got another full day tomorrow and the dancing bacon alarm has been set. The last thing is your dental cleaning regimen, which includes flossing.

Just like the toothpick thing, many mint flavored flosses are just gross or even mentholated, which can give a burning sensation in sensitive areas like gums.

Staying right on theme, we tracked down this dental floss with bacon flavor so you can end you day just the way you started it!

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