EXCLUSIVE: Wine Not
Here’s an all-new post featuring some of the best gadgets and glasses and knickknacks for wine drinkers!
This site is called drunkMall and we do our best not to treat drinkers of various spirits equally. (Except you Jäger drinkers. You’re fucking lunatics.) But if we’re honest, there’s a high likelihood that more drunkMall purchases can be attributed to wine than any other alcoholic beverage because, well…
“I call it night time shopping… with wine…”
So you know we’ve got a lot of love for you adult grape juice drinkers out there and we’d like to give something back by showing you some amazing things we know you’ll love, above and beyond everything that’s already been posted to the more wine please department of the site.
Let’s get this party started!
#1 The Wine Gun
So you’re used to opening your bottles of vino by twisting off a screw cap instead of removing a cork the old fashion way.
We’re not here to judge folks. Drink within your budget, we always say.
But say someone comes over for dinner and brings a bottle of something that costs more then 8 bucks? The last thing you want to do is cork the wine by driving the corkscrew in too far or breaking it in half with unpracticed technique.
Take the guesswork out of opening a bottle of wine with this electric wine opener that looks like an old revolver!
#2 Calorie Counter Wine Glass
Are they really empty calories if the time spent consuming them is full of so much friendship and merriment?
Okay, yeah, they are.
If that bullshit bothers you so much, here’s a wine glass that lets you know approximately how many calories you’re consuming with each glass.
There’s a “who cares” quantity at the 10 ounces mark. You can fill ours up to there, please.
#3 Impossible Wine Glass
There’s probably a perfectly good explanation for how this works.
But it might as well be leprechaun magic for all the sense it makes to anyone we showed it to.
Basically, you fill that big bulb looking thing up with wine and it somehow only lets a small amount into the part where you drink from.
Also, you can only get this from a Japanese website so we have no idea how much it costs. However much 28,900 yen is.
People act like wine is a lady drink and beer is a man drink.
That’s dumb as fuck.
But say you’re at Oktoberfest, surrounded by people drinking beer from huge steins, and you just feel out of place because you only drink vino.
We got you, fam.
The BeerStein is a wine “glass” molded inside of a beer mug!
#5 Wine Bra
But back to that whole “wine is for ladies” thing…
At least y’all get some pretty sweet inventions out of the deal!
Like this classic drunkMall find from nearly a year ago, The WineRack.
It’s a sports bra with a discreet bladder and drinking straw built right in!
You could fill it with whatever you want, really. It would make a super convenient way to take water with you on a jogging session.
Yup, uh huh. Water…
#6 Wine Purse
Wine bras are great for when you’re drinking alone (and secretly) but most of the time people take wine somewhere, it’s to be enjoyed with other people.
Showing up to someone’s house with a bottle is standard practice.
Going on a picnic or something, though, a bottle would just be a pain in the ass.
Take a Wine Purse with you!
#7 Wine Sippy Cup
Drunk adults are a lot like sober toddlers.
Tears happen, people might get bit and drinks will definitely be spilled.
That’s why drunkMall recommends adult sippy cups for any occasion!
#8 Dracula Wine Bottle Holder
He nevah drinks… wine…
But Dracula must have forgotten about his no wine policy because here he his trying to down a full bottle of the good stuff!
Never fear – your wine is safe – it’s just a funny wine bottle holder!
#9 Stemless Aerating Wine Glasses
These were a sensation on our Mother’s Day Gift Guide this year and they certainly deserve a place in this post.
Say you’re drinking a bottle of wine that costs more than $20 bucks. Anyone who’s read at least three magazine articles on wine will tell you that the wine needs to breathe before you drink it.
But you don’t give a fuck about that because you’ve had sex in the last 15 months. You’re just trying to drink some wine and chill. That’s where all these fancy aerating gadgets come in to play. You could get those.
You could get wine glasses with an aerating structure built right in to the center of them!
Pour the wine. Drink the wine. It doesn’t have to be more complicated than that.
#10 Bath/Shower Wine Glass Holder
If there’s one thing Julia Roberts movies have taught us, it’s the rejuvenating properties of enjoying a glass of wine in a bubble bath.
And if there’s one thing real life has taught us, it’s that the oil in bubble baths makes bathtubs incredibly slippery and being tipsy with a piece of crystal glass in your hand is just asking for problems.
Fortunately, some kind soul invented these cupholders made to keep wine glasses secure while in the tub!