drunkMall doesn’t endorse smoking cigarettes but monkeys doing people things is the height of comedy, so, we’ll forgive the square. We still have questions. Like, is this monkey a Shriner? And how exactly is this a clock? We can answer…
Pizza is passion. When you find the right pizza, you can hit that shit three times a night. Just pushing your endurance to the max, hitting peaks of pleasure you’ve only read about in the finest of erotic novellas. Pizza…
Empty cans take up a lot of space You ever think about that? People who go through, say for example, a 12-pack (of Surge) a night - these problems present themselves. There’s some super complicated physics explanation for why it…
Life is like a dick. When it gets hard, it might be full of candy but the only way to find out is to hit it over and over with a stick. Life is also a lot like a bachelorette…
Game of Thrones-inspired ale tankards, hand-made from real ox horn! You can’t really tell in the photo but this thing is gigantic. AleHorn’s site says it holds 16+ oz. but each horn is unique so that’s just, like, a…
Can everyone please start dressing like it’s the year 2016 already?! The future is bunk. The closest thing we have to flying cars is Uber surge pricing throwing our money out the window. Hoverboards? More like “have I told you that…
Life’s miracles make themselves known to us in such beautiful ways! We’ve all seen it happen... Your friend arrives to the lunch meeting. It’s been a while but her complexion is rosier than you recall - practically glowing. When she…
This is that James Bond shit, right here. Can you honestly say you wouldn’t know what to do with furniture that has secret compartments? If you said yes to that then your parties suck - fact. We tried to hit…
Now this is a product with wide-reaching appeal! From scared kids to nerdy teens to wasted party guests to blind senior citizens, humans at every stage of life can appreciate a motion-activated toilet bowl light. It isn’t just a nightlight…
Aw, yeah! Texting can be brutal in cold climates. Use any part of your body on a touchscreen and it works fine. (Any part. We checked. Yeah, we checked that part, too.) But just try texting while wearing your favorite…
Spices are pretty magical, if you think about it. What spices can do to food is so intense that they were basically currency for most of civilized history. So, yeah, totally makes sense to put your salt and pepper in…
We’ve never even considered watching The Human Centipede but if it was a documentary and starred the Kardashian siblings? We’d watch that shit on a daily basis. Some mad Photoshop skills went into the creation of this design and we’ve…