5 Pounds of Misprinted Pens
When was the last time you needed a pen and couldn't find one? If you're like us, it's happened to you at least once since you started reading this sentence. Where the fuck are all the pens?!? People steal pens.…
Samurai-Style Pocket Knife
Nothing says, "Ask me about my favorite Kurosawa film," like walking around in full samurai armor with two swords and whatever the hell you call that shaved-top-of-head thing. Unfortunately, doing that in America also says a few other things, like,…
Coffin Makeup Bag
One of the best things about makeup is that if you put it on the right way then nobody can tell that you're dead inside. Unless sending the message that you're dead inside is your goal, in which case you…
British Columbia Beer Tour
British Columbia has a rich history of beer. That's what you should tell anyone who asks why you wanted to take a seaplane tour of brewpubs in BC. Make sure you look at them like a vegetarian who's just been…
Snortable Cacao
Should you snort cacao? Probably the fuck not. Also, what is cacao? Is it the same thing as cocoa? Why are we spelling cocoa all weird now? If this is just powdered chocolate then it's safe to say we've all put…
Pancakes Purse
How many different ways are there to say it? Breakfast is the best meal of the day. Have you ever seen a really intense order of French Toast? It's just a plate piled high with sugar, flour, cream and eggs.…
Fact Book for Bathroom
Anyone who doesn't have an immediately interesting book in their bathroom wasn't raised properly. It's true. You get a half a generation deep into the existence of smartphones and everyone forgets what it's like to take a shit without the…
Random Crap Bag
Everyone has too much random crap in their lives. Everyone keeps too much random crap in their lives! It's not gonna change anytime soon, either - because a lot of that random crap isn't really random at all. It serves a…
Silver Thinking Putty
You ever see the things they say in advertisements for fidget spinners? They keep trying to sell 'em by acting like they help with ADD or help you concentrate on stuff. Well, if that's true, then anything should help you…
OUTDOORS: Glamping for Social Media 101!
Everyone who likes camping already knows how to camp. This one is for everyone who is very much not in the "camping demographic" but understands that variety is the spice of a highly produced public persona used on social media…
Solar Eclipse Glasses
There's a full (or whatever it's called - total?) solar eclipse going down in August and here's the deal, America: we've got front row seats for this one. This is almost always not the case. Most of the time you…
Kurt Vonnegut Soap
Literary jokes are simultaneously the best and worst jokes. Books are for nerds. Everyone knows that. Therefore the puns are, you know, horrendous. Just truly awful stuff. The kind of jokes that make you feel like god might really exist…